Is it better to do something by ourselves, or do it at all? Colleen and Brittany discuss the myth of total self-sufficiency and why it is especially a struggle for folks with ADHD to ask for and find help when we are holding ourselves to the invisible standard of going it alone to accomplish goals.
No one is truly self sufficient. No matter how much our society romanticizes this idea. The people we admire - celebrities, world leaders, inspiring figures - aren't islands, either. They achieve their admirable goals through collaboration and support, without exception. And although levels of autonomy within a family or community have changed over history, true self sufficiency has almost never been true of the past, either. True hermits are rare because humans evolved in groups, dependent on each other to achieve the complex goals we are now capable of.
With all of that being said, why is it that so many of us assume that we must, ought, and should do things alone, without asking for any help? Is it because we are trying to over-compensate for our ADHD? For some reason, despite all the reasons it is unreasonable, we are taught that going it alone is somehow virtuous. It is implied that although offering and giving support to others is worthy of praise, asking for or accepting help is frowned upon. Why?
As a community, we are always greater than the sum of our parts. As a person with ADHD, we often beat ourselves up for not being able to do things as fast or efficiently as others and this can lead us to further isolate, afraid to ask for help because we "should" be able to do it alone.
Colleen and Brittany challenge this and put forward the idea that it doesn't matter how it gets done, the important part is that it does get done. And further more, no one gets extra points for doing anything the hard way. This is true whether or not you have ADHD.
If that task were going to happen by doing it alone, with the crippling shame of "I should be able to do it alone", it already would be done. So many clients with ADHD that Colleen and Brittany have worked with have asked how they can do things without relying on other people or tools to support them. This simply isn't how it works, most of the time. Living the life you really want is the point, not if you used coworking, or an alarm app, or brain trick to achieve it.
And if no one ever accepted help or support, no one would ever get the opportunity to feel good about supporting and connecting with another human being. When we ask others for support to achieve our goals, we are offering them that opportunity and ourselves the opportunity to feel gratitude.